Its not my fault

     I think I have finally figured it out. ITS NOT MY FAULT!

     I figured how and why so many pedophiles in this world are walking free, their families are embarrassed and or are ashamed to admit that there is a pedophile in their family.

     For many many years I blamed myself for what happened. I blamed myself for not telling anyone sooner. When I first began remembering what HE did to me I went to my mother who said that I was lying. I always blamed myself for not going to somebody else who would listen instead I dropped it and stopped going to his place. My “mother” wanted proof, she wanted me to take a lie detector test and go for hypnosis, what kind of mother says that to a child who just told her that she had been raped? The only thing I can think is that she knew what was happening all along and didn't want to be blamed.

     One weekend while at my “fathers” we stayed at someones house that was working the night shift, before she left she told HIM to let me sleep in the same room as her kids. Upon returning home the next morning she learned that instead of me having a sleep with her children I was in his bed with HIM. That day she yelled, hollered and screamed at him. From that day on whenever we went over to their place she made sure that I was with her kids and no longer did we go over to visit them while she was working the night shift. It's pretty obvious by her reaction that she knew what he was doing.

     Over the past month or so I have been bullied by HIS family member's, because I had the nerve to write a blog called “I am a survivor...But”.

In this blog I talked about how I felt and how I blamed myself for what happened. I talked about how I wish I had the courage to charge him, and how if I had the chance I would do it all different. There were no names mentioned yet they still pounced. Two of HIS niece's began their online slaughter. Since that blog I have received death threats and my e-mail has been flooded by nasty messages, I can't make a move on the computer without them jumping down my throat.

     Like I said I have it all figured out. Instead of wanting a pedophile off the streets my “family” like many other families out there are more ashamed to admit that there is a pedophile in their family, so they ignore this fact and in many cases disown the one who was abused instead of doing the right thing.

As far as I am concerned I have come to the conclusion that when I told my “mother” what HE did to me it stopped being my fault. The adults in my life, are to blame now. I am convinced that both my “mother” and the woman whose house I was at knew what was happening to me, they just refused to do anything about it. In my book by refusing to do anything about it, it became their fault, they are just as guilty as HE is.

     It is a sad sad world when people would rather protect a pedophile than have to admit that they are actually related to one.

     If people weren't so concerned about what other people thought than there would be less children in the world being abused.

     I wonder if these people and the people protecting any pedophile anywhere in the world realize that they are just as responsible for every future victim as HE is.

     The only good thing they have ever done for me has been attacking me the way they have been, because it finally made me realize the truth, it's not at all my fault. ITS ALL THEIR FAULT.

The Truth needs to be told...

  
THE TRUTH NEEDS TO BE TOLD!!!
   I was gone for a week camping and this is what I came home to, man I really wish we could have stayed out there.   
   This is a message I received from my sister Natasha, i am only posting it to point out the lies and tell the truth...
Hey everyone out there I feel as if I need to tell the truth about my family...now I have a sis and she started a blog about someone elses life...she is changing her story first her father who I grow up with.. and is the nicest guy u could meet.. but my dad isn't.. as she put the one thing that is some what true..he did like to hit us...but not the way she tells it..but back to her..she said her dad malasted her...and that was the only one...and now she is say he raped her as well as other ppl in the family and someone else molasted her..now if it happen.. its is and would be the hardest thing to talk about and embarrassing to tell ppl.. but not her... she is open about it... and no charges were brought... cuz she wouldn't take a poly graph text or hipnooses... she wouldn't take it but her father wanted to... cuz she might have put his face on the guy who really did it..but no...this started when she was 16teen and wanted to go to a concert with her dad and his friends...but he said no to may older men would be there... she go so mad...and then this started...and my mom alway put her frist..got kim almost everything for us..and before all this started kim always had up pics that kim took off of Facebook.. all the food, gifts, TVs, beds, lots of money and ect...she spoiled her grandkids...this girl kim had a big sweet six party my mom rented a hall for her and here friends...now no parent is perfact they do make mistakes...but they were nothing as kim says...my mom was a great mom and stil is.. Kim is Lying and trying to hurt ppl..then u get some ppl who believe her.. she never meet or no her..all the family on both sides stop talking to her... and friends of the family that have known kim since she was a little girl...and talking to her kids about all this and her little bro as well... they have nothing to do with it..but she pushes them to bully..by cuting and pasting messages ppl send kim...saying they are bullying kim..which is not true..she write lies about us and we are not to say a thing.. well she bullus us on computer for the HOLE WORD to see..I have a life and a good one and don't need this shit..if it was true not so bad but again why does it need to be on the internet..if she has thses friend and family talk or write to them..and she has no proof but we do..and everyone on both sides have the same story..so what we are all wrong and she is the only one that's right...come on now..the family is looking to Charge kim..and for my mom she was very easy to talk to and wouldn't Let nothing happen to us..alway stands up for us...and always having are backs..my mother wouldn't let that happen...kim has lots of problems..and u don't like ur family or got problem this isn't the way a grownup does things..as well as the reason we went to so many schools is cuz kids picking on kim and she didn't like the teachers..that's why we went to so many schools...got lots more to say but got to go..as well as the family u are all welcome to come on here and talk the truth and only the truth... about Kimberly..will post what she won't..its open here..and kim u started this remember that when u say ppl are bullying u..
   In the first line Natasha says that she grew up with my "father", how can that be if I am older and the man that raised us was her father, my step-father? My "mother" and step father got together when I was only a baby, in the early years I barely seen my "father". I started going for weekends with him when i was just 4 yrs old and that man never even stayed a night in what ever place we were living at, at that time. Natasha doesn't even know my "father" she only came a couple times for weekend visited with me when her father refused to come and pick her up. My step father beat us pretty bad with belts, whips and whatever else he could get his hands on, it's the reason that I still don't know my multiplication tables, because I was beat with the belt when ever i got an answer wrong.
   My story has never changed, my "father" DID rape me for years. At the age of 12 I was molested again while my "mother" left us with a sitter so she could go out bar hopping. I was again molested  another time when I was 14 yrs old and again at 15 yrs old.

   I have absolutely know idea what concert she is talking about. The only concert I remember him going to was a pink Floyd concert when I was 14 years old. I didn't even like them at the time. I loved country music.
   As for being open about all the abuse I suffered, it has taken me years to get to this point, and even though I am embarrassed that it happened, it was not my fault. I was only a little kid. Through counseling I have learned that by being more open about this takes the shame and blame away from me and puts in back on the adults who were supposed to be watching me. Over the years many many people have written books and blogs about surviving being raped. It is completely normal for me to want to get it off my chest and stop hiding, it happened but I am dealing with it.
   As for taking pictures down off face book I have done no such thing. They can't see the pictures because I have them blocked from my face book. Yes it is true that my "mother" has given us Crisco orders for Christmas, it was a gift, and yes this year while she was down she bought a television because she wasn't able to watch what she wanted on our crappy television. It was a gift, but it was a gift for her, she was only here for a couple of weeks and she spent that whole time in front of the television telling her grand kids to shut up she couldn't hear the television.
   I am the one bullying??? Really I was just going on with my life, writing and raising my family. They came after me. I am only posting this to defend myself. Yes I went to many schools, but if all the changing schools was because of kids picking on me than why was it when I finally made friends in grade 8 did we have to move again?
Trust me god wouldn't want nothing to do with her...u no she can talk to sprites they stay with her and talk to her...and they even told her about government Stuff she call them to tell them stuff..she is off her rocker..the hole family on both sides don't want nothing to do with her..but its all of us not her rite... ur story is changing...wow some ppl believe.. They don't no if what their reading is telling the truth..she is not an only child but her other kids don't no where she is getting all this.. and for her bro he wasn't around and he is only listening to her side
that's ok he can stay with her...
   I have never made a secret about being able to speak to spirits. In fact I wrote a short autobiography about it called "My Story" and it can be found on authorstand.com. As for the goverment stuff I think they are mad because I claimed my brother on our taxes, he has been living here since September of 2011. I wasn't going to claim him, but when she stopped sending me the child support that she is recieving from his father, I had no choice. All this started when my "mother" called on January 30 to tell me I was making Cody study to hard for exams. Now Cody came to live with me because she couldn't handle the abuse anymore and rapidly grew out of hand for my "mother" or sister to look after. I got gaurdianship of him because the Childrens Aid Society of Ontario was getting ready to take my brother and perminently place him in foster care.
   My "mother" is also upset that I am recieving the baby bonus for Cody and my husband is claiming him on C.P.P and that means that she can't lie to the goverment no more. They know that Cody is living in Nova Scotia with us and not in Ontario with her.
   As for telling my brother things about the family, i refuse to tell him. I tell him that he needs to decide for himself, not once have I stopped him from calling his "mother", but his cousillor has told him NOT to have any contact with her because all she does is start trouble. I think they are most mad about how well Cody is doing. He went from barely going to school and in and out of group home and even jail on bogus charges that his mother and sister laid on him. Cody is now a B average student in school, he goes to counsilling and I must say that I haven't had any problems with him, he is turning into a great young man.
Not even close..we have the proof u don't we can show and tell can u that's rite u don't it ant true I guess u will find out the hard was..and no book company will touch u with a 10 foot pole..u need the evidence and u got none cuz it didn't happen to u..I see ur just trying tk sell a book..ur a fake..u weren't even born in mississauga it was Toronto and u never live in etobicoke or Barry.and if u go back to begong of ur blog and other parts u will see her changing her story...and ur the one crying to ur kids and little bro getting him to disrespect his family by cusing them about u being bukkyed and the way u grow up...he wasn't even born then...he was born in 1996 and kim was born 1971..she tell him thing that aren't true he has no part in this seeing how he wasn't even born..
   I would love to see what proof they have? As far as book company's go, I have publisher's in contact with me everyday wanting to know about the progress of my autobiography. Not once did I claim to live in Barrie or Etobicoke. As far as letting my brother disrespect his family well I can't stop him especially when we have had the cops here 2 times because he refuses to call her. If your mother called the cops on you would you have anything nice to say to them?
   Cody was born in 1996 I moved out in 1997. Cody came to live with me in September of 2011, I seen Cody maybe 3 times before he moved here. I believe his "mother" and sister (who tried to tell Cody she was his father) has told them lies about me for as long as he can remember.
   I am 33 years old my birthday is May 17 1979. I have nothing to hide, and have the proof to back up what I am saying. These people who know me so well don't even know the year I was born in...
Hows that for a loving and caring "mother"? 
   As far as her grandkids go, she can send them cards in the mail, and before she could have called to talk to them anytime, but after her very long stay here at Christmas and getting to see their real "grandmother" they don't want nothing to do with her.
   For years I worked on having a relationship with my "mother" just so my kids would have a grandparent, but after they were mistreated by her I can't blame them for not wanting nothing to do with her. In fact for the last 2 weeks she was here my 10 year old son refused to have anything to do with her.
   This is another reason I started going to counsilling because I feel guilty for letting her in my house and around my children. I feel guilty that she has hurt them the same way she hurt me.
   Now this is the only thing she can do to us, make her daughter send me these messages. What a great family....   

The great escape

     Talk about a great time.

     We just got back from a week long camping trip, and I can't even begin to explain how great it was to just get away. It's the simple life.

     A life where we have no television, computer and by accident on this particular occasion no cell phone. The cell phone is only brought just in case of an emergency. Camping to us is a great way to spend time with each other again and rediscover just how lucky and fortunate enough to have one another. We get to teach the kids new things and watch as their eyes light up as they discover new things themselves. It's a place where nobody can touch you or hurt you. The rest of the world feels like it doesn't even exist.

     Camping is exactly what we all needed, to get away. We had the perfect spot, with a huge hill behind us, our tents pitched in the woods and our very own private little lake. The lake was great, both Dustin and Cassandra became much stronger and better swimmers, and Cody loved playing “life guard”. We brought out our rubber raft and the kids had a ball rowing it out into the middle of the lake (which wasn't deep at all) and then jumping over board as if a huge monster was after them. They all loved learning how to use the saw and ax to help cut up wood for our fires. We talked, laughed, played games, and ate s'mores. All in all in was a great time had by all.

     The major difference between this camping trip and all of our others is that we had a whole new generation of animals with us. This camping trip we brought along our 2 dogs. Storm, she is 3 yrs old and has gone camping with us only a couple of times last year, Jack who isn't even a year old this was his first camping trip, and 2 of our cats. Rascal who just turned a year old, he belongs to Cassandra and Giddian who is only 4 months old, she belongs to Dustin. Neither cat has ever gone camping although they have gone for a few day hiking trips. All the animals loved it they ran played and slept well with the kids.

     Despite having a great time every bone and muscle in my body was hurting. All the hiking, bending over and just walking on uneven ground was enough to send the left side of my body into full blown muscle spasms, but it was worth it just to see the smiles on the kids faces.

     All that being said, both Tim and I were really looking forward to getting home and sleeping in our own bed. We planned to get home Sunday afternoon was the plan, but that is not what happened. It took us much longer to tear down camp than either of us though it would so the van wasn't packed and we weren't ready to go until 9 o'clock Sunday night. Happy that we were finally done and had everyone piled into the van Tim turned the key and right away found out that our battery had died.

     Right away Tim and I hoped out of the van and after a quick assessment and a few curse words we realized that we were stuck. Stranded, litterily in the middle of nowhere.

     The road that we drove up to get to where we were was nearly 5 miles up a dirt road and the paved road is one that is not driven on much because it is way out in the country. With the bugs eating us alive and the sun rapidly descending in the sky we had know choice but to make a split decision. Because we would never make it anywhere near the paved road before dark and even if we did, the nearest store would be closed. We had no other choice than to find our big tent and set it up right there in the middle of the road way up in the middle of nowhere.

     Quickly Cody and Tim set the tent up, Dustin pumped up the air mattress and Cassandra and I rummaged through the food we had left and found a few things to eat that didn't require any cooking.

     We piled into the tent and ate our snack. Neither Tim nor I slept very much at the top of the road, but thankfully the kids slept great. By 7 o'clock in the morning Tim was up and began the long hike to the paved road. I stayed back with the kids and animals.

     Luckily for Tim half way up the long dirt road he came across the gravel pit that we had both forgotten about. Some how he managed to reach the gravel pit just as the men who work there were arriving for work. A very nice man in a four wheel drive truck told Tim to hop in. right away the man drove Tim up to where we were and the van was parked. He pulled out his booster cables and gave us the boost we needed.

     12 hours after the van was originally packed we were finally on our way home. We arrived home at 10 o'clock Monday morning. Quickly we unloaded the van and began putting everything away.

     We had a great week spending time together and as much as I wish we could stay out there never to return, we had to come back and rejoin society.

     I must say it was very nice to get home and find that my sister Natasha and cousin Tracy haven't missed a beat and even though I was no where near a computer their mission on trying to ruin me and my reputation continued.

     I think that the world would be a much better place if people just learned what was really important and stopped putting others down, instead use that same energy to try and help somebody out. I live my life going out of my way to help people and animals in need whenever I am in the position to do so. It's the best way to focus your attention, it will make you feel better and help someone out in the process.

     My advice to all those out there that are hell bent on destroying peoples lives need to find something else to focus their attention on. It will make you feel better about yourself, and you can actually do something worthwhile like help some one in need.

Enough is enough....

     Alright I have had enough. No more pity party for me, I will not let the low life's in this world get me down.

     I am a strong woman who has survived many different monstrosity of abuse through out my entire life. My previous post was written just for me to be truthful about myself. And although I still struggle every day with my past I will not let people from my past bring me down.

     I have a lot to be thankful for. I have an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally and two great kids who are both straight A student's and even though my brother has had a rough start to life, since he moved in with me, he to is doing much better. He is happy now, has friends, a room of his own. He has discovered he likes to read and he just graduated junior high with a B average, considering he hasn't attended school regularly since he was 11 years old I have to say that is awesome.

     I own my own house and I am surrounded by people who love and care about me, despite where I came from. Even though some days are rough on us, I wouldn't change my life for nothing (except the abuse part).

     Everything that I have lived through though has helped me to become the person I am today and although right now I am having difficulty in seeing that I really am a good person despite my past abuse, I am getting help and working on it every day.

     So even though I have trouble looking in the mirror my husband loves me and so do my kids, they are always wanting to spend time with me. I must be doing something right.

My brother thanks me all the time for taking him in and treating him like he is a human being and not a piece of shit.

     I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I have issues that I need to work on I will and I will be stronger for it. I refuse to let those people in my life who have worked so hard to try and ruin me think that they have won, because they haven't.

Everyone has bad days but its what you do to get out of that mood that sets you apart from “the evil doer's” that sets you apart.

     For instance when I feel down I write my journal, blog, or read and keep to myself, instead of what “other” people do when they feel down. I have seen it more than once people only feel better about themselves when they put others down, but guess what I am not like that. Instead I take time to look around and see that I really do have everything I need right here with me...

     Tracy and Lisa you can try all you like but you can't take me down. I refuse to be a victim of yours, you need to find some one else to pick on because I refuse to be your punching bag any longer.

I HATE MYSELF

     Having a really bad day today.

     Because my “mother” has stopped paying child support for my little brother money around here has been extremely tight. Most days I can block this out, but I really want to go camping and I’m not sure if we're going to be able to go at all this year.

     I feel extremely guilty today because Tim is worried about money and its my fault. If my “mother” hadn't of come down at Christmas we would be in much better shape. The money we received from CPP would have had us all caught up on our bills instead my “mother” managed to suck the money out of us. I feel bad because I let her back into all of our lives and it seems like she is doing everything she can to ruin us.

     I wish that I was stronger and that I didn't believe I needed her, in fact its only lately that I have realized that I can live without her, how could I have been so stupid as to let my “mother” come in and affect all of our lives.

I really need to get away, take my mind off of everything so that I can begin to deal and cope with my reality. Don't get me wrong I love my family, I just wish I loved me.

     I HATE MYSELF. I should have told someone about the abuse as a child and as soon as I got out of my “mothers” house I should have stayed away far away and never let her back in. there are a million things that I wish I did differently.

     I feel like I am the one who has put my family in this position and I wish I knew how to fix it. Because of everything that has been said about me online it has affected every aspect of our life. I can't make a move without getting blasted.

     The worse thing is though is that I can't look my husband in the eye because I see all the pain I caused him. I wish that I listened to Tim years ago when he told me nothing good will come from letting my “mother” in my life.

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING STRONGER AND FOR BEING DISABLED. I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I WISH I COULD BE THE MOTHER MY CHILDREN DESERVE (although I am trying) it just doesn't feel like enough.

     I WISH I COULD LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND NOT SEE A PERSON THAT I HATE MOST IN THE WORLD!

Working through my depression

     As I have said before I have just started counseling I need it to help me deal with the realities that are my life. Unfortunately though my counselor was given a better job offer in another province so I am waiting for a replacement.

     I have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I need to have everything cleaned just right or else I can't get on with my day, I am dealing with this using cognitive behavioral therapy. Since I began this long process I have been getting better although they are only small steps they still are steps and I am slowly beginning to see that all these little steps lead to a lot of change.

     I am trying my hardest to give up as much control as possible, and I think the kids are beginning to see that I am trying. I no longer hover over them to make sure that their rooms are clean the way I like, although I do still have the need to just clean the rooms myself, I am getting better and better at letting the kids clean up their own mess. Even in other area's such as washing the dishes, I have given up control and now have the kids taking turns washing dishes after supper.

     All these little things have added up to me being a lot more happier more of the time, and not near as stressed out about having the house cleaned perfectly. I am also learning to give up more control over the kids school work, I think I have finally realized that it is up to the kids to make the grades they want and it's not my place to make sure they do every little homework assignment the way I would do it.

     In short I feel that cognitive behavioral therapy is helping me a lot, and I highly recommend the workbook called “Cognitive Behavioral therapy for Dummies” As this book is helping me to see the world in a different way.

Although I am constantly working to improve myself I still cannot look at myself in the mirror. Due to the horrible child hood I had I don't believe that I am good enough, and fear that my family would be better off without me and my problems, but that to will come in time (so I am told).

     I have both good days and bad days, today is a good day because I feel as though I got a lot accomplished around the house and my muscle spasms from my disability aren't as bad today.

     I have also recently joined a group for rape and incest survivor's and I think just the fact that I know I am not alone out there has made me feel better. I don't think I will ever completely heal from the sexual abuse I endured, but at least I am dealing with it. As funny as it sounds it took me years to be able to say that I am in fact an incest survivor.

Through out my child hood I was constantly put down and told that no man would ever love me or stay with me. I was brainwashed into believing that I couldn't survive without my “mother” in my life, but just in the past couple of months I have cut my “mother” completely out of my life and now I am confident that I don't need her.

     I am also in the middle of writing my autobiography, and that brings up memories that I had buried deep inside. My consilor said that writing is the best form of therapy and because I am sick and tired of feeling worthless I have decided to write.

     In the mornings I wake up do some light household chore's than either site at my desk in my office or I sit here at my computer typing my autobiography.

Since my counselor has left I continue daily with the breathing exercises she taught me and I am also doing work on my own, I ask the kids for their input on different things, and of course my husband is my greatest Allie always cheering me on. If it weren't for the family I have today, I don't know how or even if I would have survived these past couple of weeks......

     My family is the most important part of my life and I will stop at nothing to make sure they get the best mother, wife, and brother they deserve.

As I wait for a new counselor I continue my therapy on my own. I am working on “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” by Rhena Branch, and Rob Willson. I am also reading and doing all the exercises in “The Courage to Heal, A guide for woman survivors of Child Sexual abuse” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

     I highly recommend these books to anybody who is suffering at all with any type of abuse, but I would have to say that my best tools and support come from my family without them I don't know were I would be.

Changes

     As you all have noticed kimmys kozy korner has been taken up with my family issues. This blog was supposed to be about things I thought and seen in the real world that I felt was unfair or unjust. Lately though that hasn't been the case so I am changing the purpose of my blog. Instead of me writing about different things like the government, SPCA or the Children's Aid Society I have decided to use this blog to tell you all about me.

     Kimmys Journal, will give you insight into my personal battle with depression and dealing with the fact that I was raped as a child. I will also use this blog to address the many many lies that have been spread about me. I promise to keep this journal truthful and only give the facts, know matter how hard they may be. I continue this blog for myself and for my own recovery, as I deal with the harsh reality's that were my childhood.

     I thought I would begin by setting the record straight about the lies and rumors that have been said about me.

     Yes it is true that at the age of 5 a doctor made a mistake taking my tonsils out, and because of that mistake I am partly paralyzed on the left side. My “family” did take the doctor to court on my behalf, but it was my grandparents on my mother's side that paid the lawyer. I did receive money, but not the 1.2 million others have said. From all this I received $200,000 my mother received $30,000 my sister $10,000 my “father” $10,000 and my “fathers” mother also received $1,000. My grandparents on my “mothers” side refused to take any money from the caes and told the lawyer what ever money they were to receive should be given to me. At 18 years old I tried to pay my grandparents back and I was told the best way to pay them back would be to do something with my life. By the time I turned eighteen I received a cheque for about $385,000, out of that money $100,000 I put a down payment down for a house for my mother and 2 younger siblings to live in. I spent $20,000 on a new car for me and the rest of the money went into something called an annuity. I get just under $1,200 a month for the rest of my life.

As a child I was rapped by my “father” from the ages of 4-9 years old, I was also molested by a couple cousins. At the age of twelve again I was molested while my “mother” partied with a friend of hers, and again at the age of 15 another man tried the same thing.

     As for taking a lie detector test, why should I have to take one? And I don't believe in hypnosis. I honestly believe that when I child goes to an adult to tell them what is happening that child should be believed right away, and not called a liar and be black balled by her family. As a young child somebody should have believed me when I told them the truth.

     As far as therapy goes, yes I was in therapy from the age of 5 to the age of 17 when I moved down east and away from my family. In the past few months I have begun therapy again to deal with my trust issues and to figure out how to put my rape history behind me.

     I am raising my little brother. He has been in and out of group homes for at least 4 years before our “mother” put him on a plane with a note giving me guardianship. She said that her son was to much for her to deal with so I got him instead of him landing in the system forever. And yes it is true that I am trying to get money, its only because his mother stopped paying child support for him, because I was making him study for is exams. My husband broke his back many years ago and as of just recently he ruined his shoulder. The doctor took him off of work and he is receiving a disability pension.

     Although I have never had a job that paid money, I have spent many years volunteering. First at Erinoak, a place for disabled people than at a soup kitchen in down town Toronto. When my son started school I began volunteering at the school library, I was hoping to get a paid position but cut backs didn't allow for that to happen. I had to stop volunteering after I quickly learned and discovered that when I got home I was far to tired to look after the house and children. My kids are my priority so the job had to go.

     Money hungry? If I were a money hungry bitch I would have a job and say to hell with my kids or what they need. I would have wrote my autobiography a lot sooner than now. If I were a money hungry bitch I would have sued my mother for all the money she has cost me and I would be in meetings with lawyers to try and get the child support. Instead I continue to live my life and make the best with what I have.

     Growing up I did not have it easy, not even a little easy. I went to so many different schools I can't even count them all, my mother loved to party which resulted in me and my sister getting locked into strange rooms in stranger's house's so that she could party. The only reason why we had food on the table is because of my grandfather, he bought our grocery's. Throughout all the moving around and switching school's partying and packing and unpacking my “mother” managed to get married three times.

     And yes with all of this going on it was very difficult getting to know people and making friends. I was never spoiled as a child and NEVER got what I wanted, unless you call getting whipped by a belt from your step father spoiled.

     When my husband and I began a relationship, he was not dating my “mother”. Yes there is an age difference. I was 17 years old and he was 37 when we first got together. When my mother found out about us it wasn't until I told her that I didn't think I would buy her a house that she kicked me out. At the time I was going to a catholic high school and because my mother called the school and told them that I was living with a man, I was kicked out for “living in sin.” It was my senior year I was 4 exams and 4 credits away from graduating.

     Despite all of this I went back to high school and finally got my high school diploma. I also took courses through the mail and received my diploma in child psychology. After many attempts to break me and my husband up and after my mother beating me to the point that I passed out my husband and I moved from Ontario to Nova Scotia, and now that I have EVERYTHING I always wanted my wonderful “family” is trying to take it all away.

Courage

 

This is a poem I found when I was 13 years old. It has stayed with me since than.

                                                Believe in yourself,
                                                and in your dreams,
                               no matter how imposable things may seem.
                                               some how some way,
                                               You'll get to your goal.

                                                   Mountains fall,
                                                  and seas divide,
                                                  before the one
                                                 who is his stride,
                                            takes a hard road by and by.

                                               Believe in yourself,
                                                 and in your plan.
                                                Say not I cannot,
                                                      but I can.

                                                 The prizes of life,
                                                    we fail to win,
                                   because we fight the powers within.


   Over the past two weeks I have been over run with horrible e mails and phone calls. Extended family member's of mine have called the police, harassed my friends on face book, call any time they choose day or night. In all of this not only is it hateful, disturbing, and filled with lies, but I have also received death threats. Because all this has happened over the internet and from people out of the province the police say there is nothing they can do..
   I continue to keep writing my autobiography and keep up with this blog is because I want those people out there who are trying to destroy me to know that I will not stop, and they can't make me. Words are just words.
   I am continuing with this, not to "fuel to the fire" but so that I can prove to myself and children that there are always going to be people who try to take you down, but as long as you have your family beside you, you can handle everything.

Whats really important

   Lately I have been struggling to come to terms with the MANY demon's from my past, but in the process of dealing with the past it seems as though I forgot about the here and now.
   As I write my autobiography more and more horrible and disturbing memories have been flooding back so much so that I am even having a hard time getting myself out of bed lately, that is until this past week. When things seemed to be at there worst and I was assaulted on the internet I have come to realize that none of that matter's. My true friends are standing within the walls of my house, and so is my family.
   In the process of people trying to put me down, I quickly became aware that the only people I need are surrounding me. My husband, 2 kids and my brother is all I need to survive this cold and unforgiving world.
   In the past couple of weeks I have had to deal with a lot, and guess what the only people in my life who weren't afraid to stand beside me were the people in my own home. MY FAMILY ROCKS.
   They know when I'm feeling down and are always willing to lend a helping hand or even defend me whole heartily when no one else will.
   I am sad to say that it took these unfortunate events to happen to make me realize that I don't care what other people say or think about me. I know that I had a horrible childhood, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone even my worst enemy, but despite all of that I made it through. And not only did I make it, but I am succeeding. I feel horrible that it took this long for me to realize that I really do have everything I have always wanted.
      In my opinion don't get caught up in the every day mundane routine, shake it up a little and really learn whats important to you in your life, I now know that nothing is more important than the four people who live in this house, and I can't wait to spend the summer getting to know them all over again. Stop looking for whats not there and just focus on what you believe. Don't let nobody try to tear you down, never let them win.
   I STAND STRONG AND CONFIDENT KNOWING THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS, WITH MY FAMILY BY MY SIDE I CAN CONCURE ANYTHING..

"Go get lost in the woods"

     “Go get lost in the woods”

   Go get lost in the woods, is a piece of advice I received from an extremely unwanted source. As people who have been keeping up with my blog know that my last few blog's quickly became over run with horrible comment's. I said that I would put the blog aside for awhile, but I enjoy writing it too much to stop, and why should I stop?

Writing is what I love to do.

   On a recent post someone told me to “go get lost in the woods” and as much as I love writing, I didn't realize that I needed a break, a change of scenery is just what the Dr. ordered. Friday after school we told the kids we were hiking on the next day and right away they got to work. They made themselves a lunch and prepared their packs for our long hike.

   Normally our hiking trips take us to one of our favorite places Baliene, but due to heavy fog on the coast we had to change our plan's. Instead of the coast and the Ocean, we made our way closer inland. Down a dirt road through the middle of the woods we drove our van, we parked in a small space just off the beaten four wheeler track. We lifted our packs on our shoulder's and headed for a day long adventure. Immediately the dogs scoured the area and the kids were off. Tim and I hiked hand in hand, listening to the birds chirping, chipmunks chattering and the laughter of our two children and my teenage brother as they played games along the way.

   Everything was right with the world. We were living in the moment.

   Just down the dirt trail we were following we just happened to stumble upon a lake. Right away we found a smaller path that went to the left of the lake, into the path we went, the bush's were grown in so we pulled out our clipper's and very quickly found the perfect spot for a perfect day. In front of us we had a small lake and although there were a few bushes in the way, the dogs quickly trampled them down. The lake looks great for both fishing and swimming. We had our fire pit in the middle of the woods and to our backs had a huge deep slopping hill. The hill offered tree's for the kids to climb, and paths for the dogs to run through. This is the perfect spot.

   We had been racking our brains trying to think of a great place to take off camping for at least a week, and we weren't having any luck, that is until we “got lost in the woods.” this place has everything we need, a place to pitch our tents, a fire pit we made while we were there and as a bonus there are a lot of tree's that are died and just lying on the ground. This makes it good for building, nothing in camping beats being able build what you need. In this place we'll be able to build counter's, tables, and what ever else the kids can imagine. The small piece of beach is also just the right size to launch our very small boat.

   While out there I took time to think and reflect. It has finally occurred to me that the people who matter the most are the ones who live in this house. On our hike we never take any comforts from home, no video games, MP3 player's, I pods, or any other small device that connects us with the outside world. In doing so the children speak more and learn lots. It's a great way to connect with each other away from all the distractions. We do however bring along a cell phone, just in case and that is kept in a pack and shut off.

My favorite part of our hiking days, is just how quickly we're able to escape all the nasty things of this world and take stock about what really is important. Outside and in the woods, the kids get along and work together as a team as they try to make and build things for our camp site. Tim and I get time together and everyone is happy just to be together.

   In short despite the fact that I received the advice “go get lost in the woods” came from somebody I don't care to associate with or even talk to was right about one thing. I desperately needed a vacation and even though it was only for one day, we found the perfect place for camping, I was able to take my mind off of the computer and get back to whats really important.

   And now that I have had that time away I am now more prepared to get back to what I love, writing and I can do it with much more focus. Now more than ever I feel as if I am doing the right thing. My story will be told and no one will stop me, but I also learned how to tune out the unwanted crap that occasionally spills into my life.

With summer just around the corner I can't wait to start having summer fun. I now feel as though my autobiography is flowing a lot more easier and figured out that when it comes down to it everyone needs a break once in awhile, even if its just for a day.....

   On with the writing nothing is going to stop me now.

   And to that person who gave the unwanted advice I say: Thank you, now I am more focused than ever on my writing my story...

   Another piece of advice to the people who are trying to stop me, take your own advice and go get lost in the woods

LEAVE ME ALONE!

   All I am trying to do is raise my family and start my writing career. I am not bothering any body, in fact I have gone through great lengths to try and block all the people who are slandering my name all over the internet.
   Not only are they attacking me on google+, but know they are searching my friends lists and sending them nothing but lies about me.....
   If they are all really so innocent why do you keep bothering me, I did not get in contact with any of you! Time to back off.
   What you are doing now is called CYBER BULLYING and if you keep it up I will be seeing all of you in court..
   Again I would like to appologize to my friends who are being harrassed by people I have the miss fortune of being related to...

Sorry!!!!

I would just like to take the time to apologize for my so called "family", and ALL their lies. I am done with this and am calling the cops on these sick and twisted people.......
I will no longer post or subject anyone to their sick and twisted comments, nobody should be subjected to this, inclueding myself.....
IT ENDS HERE!!!!

This is how supportive my "blood family" is... Part 2

The comments keep coming.........
   There were so many more comments that I had to continue the blog:
I am tired of being cyber bullied......
This is what my "blood family" is saying about me on google+

This is from greeneyes_31

deleted my last post??   here it is again


It wasn't a threat,  not at all just telling you to back off and stop spreading lies.  Also as far as giving you proof... how the hell did you get that from what i said??  show's how you twist things around.  I thought the cops told you to stop with the lies.

As we get older we do soul searching,  it's not our fault you don't like what you see in yourself, in fact it is in question whether you have a soul or not.  If you are going to continue to make false accusations against my family, then I am going to start stating some FACTS for you. I remember you touching me many time where you weren't supposed to,  I knew back then you were creepy, that's why I never liked you.  Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself YOU are the problem?? Stop blaming shit on other ppl and start taking responsibility for your own actions.  You are toxic.

You need help, they have pills for your many personalities.  You are trying to cause shit, and it's not going to work,  nobody is listening, and in fact we don't care about your opinion, but I am not going to sit around and have you spread lies about me, or my uncle.

Start living in reality,  stop craving attention and trying to play a victim role.  Nobody cares.

Nothing but lies. This is the sickest thing I ever heard, completly not true....

This is again  from greeneyes_31......

see you in court :)


I am just typing my autobioghraphy and trying to come to terms with my past......

Another one from greeneyes_31

You should also let your new "google" friends know why you don't have any friends now.   You are a taker....  you take until everybody is drained.  You tell lies to get ahead and don't care what your actions might do to other people, as long as you gain from it right kimmy??   Well you've gone to far now, and I am going to make sure ppl know what you are about.  You are a liar.  I would say your posts are great fiction, however they are so poorly written I couldn't get through all of them.. sorry about that.  Maybe you should upgrade your English skills.  Maybe your kids can teach you.  js

I can't even coment on this one?????

This is from my cousin Lisa Suarez

ATTENTION ALL STRANGER!!! I AM KIMBERLY'S FIRST COUSIN, AND AM MORE THAN HAPPY TO TELL.
  KIMBERLY IS A COMPULSIVE LIAR AND HAS REFUSED ANY HELP/TREATMENT IN DEALINGS WITH HER ATTENTION REQUIREMENTS.  YES SHE HAS A TROUBLED PAST, BUT NOT WHAT SHE IS DESCRIBING ON THIS SITE.  IT HAS TAKEN ME 4 HOURS JUST TO CALM DOWN.  THIS BIO IS COMPLETELY FALSE.  KIM WAS 15YRS OLD WHEN SHE LEFT WITH HER MOTHERS BOYFRIEND OF 43.  HAD A COUPLE OF KIDS AND HAS ISOLATED HERSELF ON THE INTERNET, MY FAMILY PAID FOR HER PUBLISHING OF HER FIRST BOOK THAT DIDNT SELL, WE TRIED TO GIVE HER LIFE, AND HELPED ANY WAY WE COULD HER BEING SO FAR AWAY... AND NOW IS WRAPPED UP IN SERIOUS READING MATERIAL, PREHAPS TO MAKE A SALE..WE ALL HAVE SOB STORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD, BUT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THE ONLY THING TRUE IS A MEDICAL LAWSUIT THAT HER DAD AND GRANDMA FOUGHT AND PAID FOR, SHE DID HAVE A SERIOUS STROKE AND WE ALL GEARED TO BRAIN DAMAGE, BUT CLEARLY NOW THE ENTIRE FAMILY KNOWS SHE IS JUST WIRED WRONG....CURRENT TO THIS DATE HER PRECIOUS HUSBAND HAS GOTTEN A 15YR GIRL PREGNANT IN THEIR HOME. VIA A 3SUM, WHO KNOWS IF KIMS CHILDREN ARE SAFE OR IF SHES ANOTHER PREDITOR!!
  HER BLOOD FAMILY LEFT HER FOR GOOD REASON AS WE DID NOT APPROVE OF HER ACTIONS THAN NOR NOW, CAN NO LONGER SEND HER GROCERIES OR PAY HER BILLS!! AS SHE WIPED OUT 1.2MILL$$ AND DIDNT EVEN OFFER TO PAY THE LEGAL FEES THAT HER FAMILY DID FIGHTING FOR HER.....NUMEROUS GOD FORBIDDEN LIES AND SERIOUS DRAMA. AND TO RAEBETH AND THESE STRANGERS THAT NEED TO KNOW BIO ARE TO BE TRUTHFUL NOT FICTION, YOU COME HERE CLEARLY DEFENDING  DRAMA JUNKIES AND SHOULD KNOW THIS WILL ALL BE GOING TO COURT AND KIM HAS BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THESE THINGS BEFORE INCLUDING RESTRAINING ORDERS GEARED BY A JUDGE.  I ENCOURGE ALL "FRIENDS" TO IMMEDIATLEY LEAVE THIS SITE BEFORE GETTING DRAGGED INTO SOMETHING YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.  KIM YOU NEED HELP, AND YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEEK IT.  AND I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT THIS "BOOK" YOUR WRITTING AS WE BOTH KNOW 1/4 IS TRUE, AND YOU HAVE NO MONEY TO PUBLISH, AND THESE CHARACTERS ARE FICTIONAL WITHIN THE DAMAGE OF THE CEREBAL WALLS IN YOUR HEAD, YOUR IN YOUR 30'S NOW AND NONE OF US WILL ATTEMPT RESCUE EVER AGAIN.  IM APPAULED AND FEEL GREAT SHAME THAT YOU HAVE SUNK TO A NEW LOW.  AS I KNOW THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE TEMPERTANTRUMS.  ALSO NOTED ON FACEBOOK.
 THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOU, AND I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO AIR YOUR LAUNDRY......  SOCIALOLOGY 101...VICTIMS DONT SCREAM ON THEIR OWN WALL, CRYING RAPE OF HER FATHER,,HER FATHER DID NO SUCH THING BUT HANG ON ASLONG AS HE COULD, I TOLD HIM TO SUE YOU BUT HE HAS SPENT MORE MONEY ON YOU AND IF I WERE HIM I WOULDA RAN FROM YOU TOO,,,YOU WANNA HOLD GRUGES HOLD THEM PRIVATLY WITHIN UR SELF. IT WAS YOU WHO RAN AWAY WITH A MAN 30YRS OLDER BY CHOICE...  AS A VICTIM MYSELF OF MY FATHER,,, I SEEK BLOGS FOR RECOVERY AND JUSTICE. AND TALK TO PROFESSIONALS AND EDUCATE THE YOUNG WHOM DOESNT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE....... NOT BIOGRAPHY TO GAIN FIANCIAL AID......ATTENTION FICTIONAL WHORE IS ALL, ANYONE WHO WISHES TO CONTACT WITH QUESTIONS LEGALLY OR SINCERLY YOUR WELCOME TO COME AS AN ADULT WITH PROPER SPEAKING TERMS.

This is nothing but lies.......
Nobody paid to have my first book published. It was published by Publish America    As any other would tell you I didn't have to pay a cent, and nobody has EVER helped us out with our bills. As far as a restraining order goes, I have never been in trouble with the law, and don't even know what one looks like....
This is Defamation of charector at it's best........

Another post from Lisa Suarez.....

next she will be accussing us all of molesting! good thing i kept a diary! dated and timed! 80% of victims become premesquis the other 20% become offenders!

As most people who have been raped it is a very difficult thing to overcome, and MANY MANY people know that a lot of people who have shared my experiances have also wrote them out to help them deal.....
My original blog:     "I am a survivor, but..." Was me attempting to come to terms with what has happened to me. Thousands of people publish their stories of child rape every year. I'm not in it for the money, I'm writing my autobioghraphy as a way of dealing with all that has happened to me in the past. It's only natural........

Another one from greeneyes_31

you are nothing but a liar.  You are delusional and lies like this are called slander.  You have always created more drama then necessary, and i noticed your new post.  If your family is who you make it, fine.. good and dandy.  Stop being a bitch and spreading lies, or better yet go get lost in the woods somewhere.

This is from my cousin Lisa Saurez...

MAYBE TIM WILL TAKE HER TO THE WOODS IF THERE IS INSURANCE POLICY WHICH I DOUBT, AS HER PAYOUT HAS BEEN SPENT!! THEY CANT EVEN AFFORD THE BASICS OF LIVING !

Another lie.......

Another post from greeneyes_31

and Kim, this is only the beginning.  We know the truth.  Your jealousy and lies are going to get you nowhere really quick.  I just hope your kids are safe..

Posted on google+ by Lisa Saurez..

KIM GET A JOB!!! SAME WITH SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!! WHAT IS HE LIKE 70 NOW>>??  NO RETIREMENT SAVINGS NO NOTHING THE GOVERNMENT NOR ANYONE PAYING TAXES SHOULD BE PAYING FOR YOU !!! YOUR BOTH SLOBS TAKE UP COMMUNITY SERVICE AT LEAST!

Raising a family and taking care of my house is a full time job.....

I am trying to get my writing career...

Tim my husband is on Disability because of his shoulder and back, which are both 

Deteriorating very rapidly and the doctor took him off of work....

Another comment from greeneyes_31

listen bitch, you tried once with your lies and everyone saw through it.  Big tough woman you are mentally abusing children and a family in their  time of need. Wow, says a lot about your character.  You tried once and failed,  you will continue to fail.  You're right... you have nothing to lose, you lost it all already.  I have nothing to lose because I know who I am and I will always be better then you.  I have happy healthy children, both with a higher IQ then you.

Greeneyes_31 again....

your father is nothing more then a wonderful man who always tried to do right by you.  You are an ungrateful, money hungry, sorry excuse for a daughter.  He deserved so much better then you for a daughter, no worries though, my children and I love him very much and cherish every moment we get to see him.

I am sure there are more, but I can't stand to read anymore, everything said about me is nothing but lies...

I am the one who ran away from them, and this is why...

Sorry to subject you to such stupidity, but the world needs to see CYBER BULLYING AT ITS BEST!.

This is how supportive my "blood family" is...

   These are the comments I have recieved about my blog and e-mails about writing my autobioghraphy......


 I don't like profanity on my wall....I have no objection to Kim writing her autobiography...as long as she keeps to the facts of herself......if she wants to wreck reputations that becomes a criminal matter....and she stands to be exposed as a liar and a fraud and unfit to parent...she is the one who was offered an opportunity to have hypnosis,or a lie detecter test...and would have had the backing of everyone if she had co operated...she refused.She does a grave injustice to true victims of sexual abuse....and she is the one that has no self respect....she has embarressed me on facebook for the last time.It'ds being reported....and I suggest you call your mom....

This one was posted on facebook by an aunt of mine....She posted this on my brother's wall.
It is a proven fact that most survivor's of child rape block their experiances from their minds and don't remember until years later....

you sick bitch, you need to get a life of your own, continue this shit and i'll sue you. you want a fight?? bring it bitch. on To whom it may concern

greeneyes_31

on 6/18/12

I know who you are greeneyes 31!

I think your the one on crack and I know of who you speak! What is this all hearsay for you? These children and mother I am very close with!! and know for fact that this bullshit is untrue. Its people and family like you that makes the world go round, dispicable people are the ones that find pleasure in making other peoples day harder. Words are word and I am not able to pyiscially find you.. But I so wish I could! on To whom it may concern

Anonymous

on 6/19/12

You're not fooling me. I also know who you are...
I sent her my address.........

you have never worked a day in your life so I think and so does other you need to shut the fuck up you have no idea what you talking about!!!! Why don't you try and work there is nothing stopping you but u think everyone and the government owe you and they are the ones supporting ur kids....Mom is the one who got you guys the money from the government well more money...Just to let you no everything I send you I keep and send to everyone...that means the two ppl on this site too... on Help the sick and injured

jessica

on 6/19/12

Same goes for you "Jessica" I am not stupid.....I am raising two children, and raising my little brother who my mother refuses to look after or pay the child support she is collecting to help in the cost of raising him....
And any mother out there would say that raising a family IS A FULL TIME JOB!
I wasn't the one I wrote this about. It was about my husband of 17 years who was forced to stop working due to an injury.........

U need to watch out their is a reason why she has no friends or family in her life anymore...she is a lair she has been her hole life and she has been in therapy from the time she was 5 to an adult....she has been very well looked after wanting for nothing....she has a handicap in her hole left side...Now she had to go through a lot of physical therapy had to take off a lot of school...I no cuz I took off to the park one time when I wanted my mom to take me with them...and if wasn't care for someone would has none and she wouldn't have been to all the therapist..both sides of the family sued both doctor for what did and was always around helping her....I took the back set burner everything was about kim but I wouldn't change that for the world it helped...and by the way u can't bring man around her she is always asking for sex don't care who is around why some of don't talk to her....when she was 16 teen she started seeing my moms ex-boyfriend be-hide everyone's back he was 43 yrs. He on Family

jessica

on 6/19/12

Yes it is true that was in therapy from the age of 5 to 17 years old, but most people would if they woke up one day disabled because of an incompedent doctor.


This is an email from a cousin.....

Listen you sick, delusional, psychotic crazy bitch.  You need to stop with the drama and the bullshit.  You know damn well that your father never did anything to you.  You are a money hungry, ungrateful daughter/ person.  You suck the life out of everyone around you which is why you are alone and your husband has a young thing preggo. Hahahaha , good luck with that!

You need to remove that blog about your father and the one of me bitch.   You need to pay attention to your own attention starved children and remain gone from our lives.  You need to disappear.  You hate the gallants so much.. good, we are not that fond of you either, in fact I am ashamed to admit that you are somehow related to me.

Instead of going and looking for trouble, try and find some happiness in your pathetic life.  Forget we exist, as you are already forgotten to us.
Same cousin sent me this to...

you are nothing but a liar.  You are delusional and lies like this are called slander.  You have always created more drama then necessary, and i noticed your new post.  If your family is who you make it, fine.. good and dandy.  Stop being a bitch and spreading lies, or better yet go get lost in the woods somewhere

Again the same cousin sent this to me.....

your father is nothing more then a wonderful man who always tried to do right by you.  You are an ungrateful, money hungry, sorry excuse for a daughter.  He deserved so much better then you for a daughter, no worries though, my children and I love him very much and cherish every moment we get to see him.

Wouldn't you love to have a family like mine LOL, they are just so sweet aren't they.........
I didn't fix spelling or grammer because I didn't want to mess with what they were saying...............
From now on all their comments will be posted...
Hope you enjoy...

Family

   Family is supposed to be everything. It's where you came from and who looks after you when your little, or in my case lack of being cared for.
   In my opinion I think that family is what you make of it. I don't believe people are my family because we share the same blood, people who are family stand with you no matter what. They don't call you a liar or try to ruin your life.
   If you were lucky enough to have grown up in a house with parents who care about you and stand up for you when you can't than good for you.
   I make my own family, I have an amazing husband, 2 great kids and a 15 yr old brother. 
   My parents aren't around because I don't need nor want that kind of poison in my life, and the same goes for my extended "family" cousin's aunts, uncles all of them, none of them have ever been there for me.
   So in my opinion I honestly believe family is what you make of it, blood does not matter. It's their character that matter's and blood related or not I like choosing who is in my family, because when I choose who I let into my life I am not as easily going to be let down like I was growing up.
   My advice to anyone who reads this is don't fight with your "family", and don't feel you need them just because you share the same blood. Family is what you make of it, not what you were born into.
   CHEER'S TO MY FAMILY, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
   I say make the best out of what you have, don't fight and argue with people who don't understand or care about you just because you share the same blood, go out and find your own family. I promise it makes this world a whole lot easier to deal with.........

I AM A SURVIVOR.............BUT.............

   I am a survivor, but..
   My husband is right, I am not myself and I am not going to be until I can get rid of all the hatred that is running through me. I can admit that yes, I HATE MY FATHER.
   I hate him for everything he did to me, for how badly he hurt me. I hate him for not being there and for not having time for me. YES I HATE MY FATHER, but I HATE MYSELF MORE.
   I HATE ME.
   Yes I have very good reason to hate me. The first time my father touched me, I should have told. I should have screamed, something, anything would have been better, but unfortunatly I believed this was normal. All father's teach their daughter's what sex is and how to do it properly. This is what I grew up believing this and that it was a BIG secret. All family's do this, but nobody talks about it. My father explained it to me like this.
   "All the children who die, die because their parent's had to kill them to keep their secret. And if you tell ANYBODY, even your mother than I will have to kill you to. So you need to do as I say and not tell a soul."
   For years and years I put this memory way into the back of my mind, so far back in fact that I had the luxury of completely forgetting about this part of my life until the nightmares began. At first I ignored them, thinking that I was crazy, but soon all of the horrible details came flooding back with avengence. And this is why I HATE MYSELF.
   When I first remembered what the bastard did to me I should have pressed charges right then and there. The problem was that my own mother didn't believe me, so instead I did nothing.
   I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
   I did nothing, and because I did nothing who knows how many other little girls he has touched, who else had been affected because of him. Amazingly all of this I was able to again keep it out of my mind, that is until I was given a very rude awakening.
   I recently found out that other small children who are around him all the time began showing signs of being molested. Right away I knew that my father had something to do with with, and that I could have prevented it all. Right then and there the bitch inside of me came roaring out. Because I didn't do any thing I now know of at least two children my father has affected.
   IT'S MY FAULT.
   IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
   The worst part though is that I can make everything go away. I can make sure that my father gets what he deserves and make sure that no other children can be hurt by him. I could do this, but at the same time, I CAN'T.
   I CAN'T DO IT.
   I can't go there. If I took my father to court would kill me. I'm a coward. I am not strong enough to stand in a room and tell people the details of what he did to me. But even worse than that is I am afraid if I were to take him to court, I wouldn't be able to look my husband in the eye. How can I survive having to relive those days in detail? I can barely deal with the realization that this actually happened to me.
   I can't think about the details. If I do I will never feel clean again, and if I'm not clean how do I live?
   I HATE MYSELF..
   I am only writing this blog to try and heal myself, I have no intention on hurting anyone or even giving out names. My one and only purpose for this post is so that I can move on with my life, I wrote this trying to get my feelings out so that I may be a better parent to my children.
    My counsellor said that writing it out is the best therapy, thus the reason behind me writing my autobiography. My hope is that by the time I finish writing my story than maybe I'll have the strength and courage to stand up in a court of law and let the world know exactly what he did to me..