I am a survivor, but..
My husband is right, I am not myself and I am not going to be until I can get rid of all the hatred that is running through me. I can admit that yes, I HATE MY FATHER.
I hate him for everything he did to me, for how badly he hurt me. I hate him for not being there and for not having time for me. YES I HATE MY FATHER, but I HATE MYSELF MORE.
I HATE ME.
Yes I have very good reason to hate me. The first time my father touched me, I should have told. I should have screamed, something, anything would have been better, but unfortunatly I believed this was normal. All father's teach their daughter's what sex is and how to do it properly. This is what I grew up believing this and that it was a BIG secret. All family's do this, but nobody talks about it. My father explained it to me like this.
"All the children who die, die because their parent's had to kill them to keep their secret. And if you tell ANYBODY, even your mother than I will have to kill you to. So you need to do as I say and not tell a soul."
For years and years I put this memory way into the back of my mind, so far back in fact that I had the luxury of completely forgetting about this part of my life until the nightmares began. At first I ignored them, thinking that I was crazy, but soon all of the horrible details came flooding back with avengence. And this is why I HATE MYSELF.
When I first remembered what the bastard did to me I should have pressed charges right then and there. The problem was that my own mother didn't believe me, so instead I did nothing.
I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I did nothing, and because I did nothing who knows how many other little girls he has touched, who else had been affected because of him. Amazingly all of this I was able to again keep it out of my mind, that is until I was given a very rude awakening.
I recently found out that other small children who are around him all the time began showing signs of being molested. Right away I knew that my father had something to do with with, and that I could have prevented it all. Right then and there the bitch inside of me came roaring out. Because I didn't do any thing I now know of at least two children my father has affected.
IT'S MY FAULT.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
The worst part though is that I can make everything go away. I can make sure that my father gets what he deserves and make sure that no other children can be hurt by him. I could do this, but at the same time, I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I can't go there. If I took my father to court would kill me. I'm a coward. I am not strong enough to stand in a room and tell people the details of what he did to me. But even worse than that is I am afraid if I were to take him to court, I wouldn't be able to look my husband in the eye. How can I survive having to relive those days in detail? I can barely deal with the realization that this actually happened to me.
I can't think about the details. If I do I will never feel clean again, and if I'm not clean how do I live?
I HATE MYSELF..
I am only writing this blog to try and heal myself, I have no intention on hurting anyone or even giving out names. My one and only purpose for this post is so that I can move on with my life, I wrote this trying to get my feelings out so that I may be a better parent to my children.
My counsellor said that writing it out is the best therapy, thus the reason behind me writing my autobiography. My hope is that by the time I finish writing my story than maybe I'll have the strength and courage to stand up in a court of law and let the world know exactly what he did to me..
My husband is right, I am not myself and I am not going to be until I can get rid of all the hatred that is running through me. I can admit that yes, I HATE MY FATHER.
I hate him for everything he did to me, for how badly he hurt me. I hate him for not being there and for not having time for me. YES I HATE MY FATHER, but I HATE MYSELF MORE.
I HATE ME.
Yes I have very good reason to hate me. The first time my father touched me, I should have told. I should have screamed, something, anything would have been better, but unfortunatly I believed this was normal. All father's teach their daughter's what sex is and how to do it properly. This is what I grew up believing this and that it was a BIG secret. All family's do this, but nobody talks about it. My father explained it to me like this.
"All the children who die, die because their parent's had to kill them to keep their secret. And if you tell ANYBODY, even your mother than I will have to kill you to. So you need to do as I say and not tell a soul."
For years and years I put this memory way into the back of my mind, so far back in fact that I had the luxury of completely forgetting about this part of my life until the nightmares began. At first I ignored them, thinking that I was crazy, but soon all of the horrible details came flooding back with avengence. And this is why I HATE MYSELF.
When I first remembered what the bastard did to me I should have pressed charges right then and there. The problem was that my own mother didn't believe me, so instead I did nothing.
I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I did nothing, and because I did nothing who knows how many other little girls he has touched, who else had been affected because of him. Amazingly all of this I was able to again keep it out of my mind, that is until I was given a very rude awakening.
I recently found out that other small children who are around him all the time began showing signs of being molested. Right away I knew that my father had something to do with with, and that I could have prevented it all. Right then and there the bitch inside of me came roaring out. Because I didn't do any thing I now know of at least two children my father has affected.
IT'S MY FAULT.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
The worst part though is that I can make everything go away. I can make sure that my father gets what he deserves and make sure that no other children can be hurt by him. I could do this, but at the same time, I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I can't go there. If I took my father to court would kill me. I'm a coward. I am not strong enough to stand in a room and tell people the details of what he did to me. But even worse than that is I am afraid if I were to take him to court, I wouldn't be able to look my husband in the eye. How can I survive having to relive those days in detail? I can barely deal with the realization that this actually happened to me.
I can't think about the details. If I do I will never feel clean again, and if I'm not clean how do I live?
I HATE MYSELF..
I am only writing this blog to try and heal myself, I have no intention on hurting anyone or even giving out names. My one and only purpose for this post is so that I can move on with my life, I wrote this trying to get my feelings out so that I may be a better parent to my children.
My counsellor said that writing it out is the best therapy, thus the reason behind me writing my autobiography. My hope is that by the time I finish writing my story than maybe I'll have the strength and courage to stand up in a court of law and let the world know exactly what he did to me..
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