Working through my depression

     As I have said before I have just started counseling I need it to help me deal with the realities that are my life. Unfortunately though my counselor was given a better job offer in another province so I am waiting for a replacement.

     I have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I need to have everything cleaned just right or else I can't get on with my day, I am dealing with this using cognitive behavioral therapy. Since I began this long process I have been getting better although they are only small steps they still are steps and I am slowly beginning to see that all these little steps lead to a lot of change.

     I am trying my hardest to give up as much control as possible, and I think the kids are beginning to see that I am trying. I no longer hover over them to make sure that their rooms are clean the way I like, although I do still have the need to just clean the rooms myself, I am getting better and better at letting the kids clean up their own mess. Even in other area's such as washing the dishes, I have given up control and now have the kids taking turns washing dishes after supper.

     All these little things have added up to me being a lot more happier more of the time, and not near as stressed out about having the house cleaned perfectly. I am also learning to give up more control over the kids school work, I think I have finally realized that it is up to the kids to make the grades they want and it's not my place to make sure they do every little homework assignment the way I would do it.

     In short I feel that cognitive behavioral therapy is helping me a lot, and I highly recommend the workbook called “Cognitive Behavioral therapy for Dummies” As this book is helping me to see the world in a different way.

Although I am constantly working to improve myself I still cannot look at myself in the mirror. Due to the horrible child hood I had I don't believe that I am good enough, and fear that my family would be better off without me and my problems, but that to will come in time (so I am told).

     I have both good days and bad days, today is a good day because I feel as though I got a lot accomplished around the house and my muscle spasms from my disability aren't as bad today.

     I have also recently joined a group for rape and incest survivor's and I think just the fact that I know I am not alone out there has made me feel better. I don't think I will ever completely heal from the sexual abuse I endured, but at least I am dealing with it. As funny as it sounds it took me years to be able to say that I am in fact an incest survivor.

Through out my child hood I was constantly put down and told that no man would ever love me or stay with me. I was brainwashed into believing that I couldn't survive without my “mother” in my life, but just in the past couple of months I have cut my “mother” completely out of my life and now I am confident that I don't need her.

     I am also in the middle of writing my autobiography, and that brings up memories that I had buried deep inside. My consilor said that writing is the best form of therapy and because I am sick and tired of feeling worthless I have decided to write.

     In the mornings I wake up do some light household chore's than either site at my desk in my office or I sit here at my computer typing my autobiography.

Since my counselor has left I continue daily with the breathing exercises she taught me and I am also doing work on my own, I ask the kids for their input on different things, and of course my husband is my greatest Allie always cheering me on. If it weren't for the family I have today, I don't know how or even if I would have survived these past couple of weeks......

     My family is the most important part of my life and I will stop at nothing to make sure they get the best mother, wife, and brother they deserve.

As I wait for a new counselor I continue my therapy on my own. I am working on “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” by Rhena Branch, and Rob Willson. I am also reading and doing all the exercises in “The Courage to Heal, A guide for woman survivors of Child Sexual abuse” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

     I highly recommend these books to anybody who is suffering at all with any type of abuse, but I would have to say that my best tools and support come from my family without them I don't know were I would be.