I HATE MYSELF

     Having a really bad day today.

     Because my “mother” has stopped paying child support for my little brother money around here has been extremely tight. Most days I can block this out, but I really want to go camping and I’m not sure if we're going to be able to go at all this year.

     I feel extremely guilty today because Tim is worried about money and its my fault. If my “mother” hadn't of come down at Christmas we would be in much better shape. The money we received from CPP would have had us all caught up on our bills instead my “mother” managed to suck the money out of us. I feel bad because I let her back into all of our lives and it seems like she is doing everything she can to ruin us.

     I wish that I was stronger and that I didn't believe I needed her, in fact its only lately that I have realized that I can live without her, how could I have been so stupid as to let my “mother” come in and affect all of our lives.

I really need to get away, take my mind off of everything so that I can begin to deal and cope with my reality. Don't get me wrong I love my family, I just wish I loved me.

     I HATE MYSELF. I should have told someone about the abuse as a child and as soon as I got out of my “mothers” house I should have stayed away far away and never let her back in. there are a million things that I wish I did differently.

     I feel like I am the one who has put my family in this position and I wish I knew how to fix it. Because of everything that has been said about me online it has affected every aspect of our life. I can't make a move without getting blasted.

     The worse thing is though is that I can't look my husband in the eye because I see all the pain I caused him. I wish that I listened to Tim years ago when he told me nothing good will come from letting my “mother” in my life.

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING STRONGER AND FOR BEING DISABLED. I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I WISH I COULD BE THE MOTHER MY CHILDREN DESERVE (although I am trying) it just doesn't feel like enough.

     I WISH I COULD LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND NOT SEE A PERSON THAT I HATE MOST IN THE WORLD!

Working through my depression

     As I have said before I have just started counseling I need it to help me deal with the realities that are my life. Unfortunately though my counselor was given a better job offer in another province so I am waiting for a replacement.

     I have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder. I need to have everything cleaned just right or else I can't get on with my day, I am dealing with this using cognitive behavioral therapy. Since I began this long process I have been getting better although they are only small steps they still are steps and I am slowly beginning to see that all these little steps lead to a lot of change.

     I am trying my hardest to give up as much control as possible, and I think the kids are beginning to see that I am trying. I no longer hover over them to make sure that their rooms are clean the way I like, although I do still have the need to just clean the rooms myself, I am getting better and better at letting the kids clean up their own mess. Even in other area's such as washing the dishes, I have given up control and now have the kids taking turns washing dishes after supper.

     All these little things have added up to me being a lot more happier more of the time, and not near as stressed out about having the house cleaned perfectly. I am also learning to give up more control over the kids school work, I think I have finally realized that it is up to the kids to make the grades they want and it's not my place to make sure they do every little homework assignment the way I would do it.

     In short I feel that cognitive behavioral therapy is helping me a lot, and I highly recommend the workbook called “Cognitive Behavioral therapy for Dummies” As this book is helping me to see the world in a different way.

Although I am constantly working to improve myself I still cannot look at myself in the mirror. Due to the horrible child hood I had I don't believe that I am good enough, and fear that my family would be better off without me and my problems, but that to will come in time (so I am told).

     I have both good days and bad days, today is a good day because I feel as though I got a lot accomplished around the house and my muscle spasms from my disability aren't as bad today.

     I have also recently joined a group for rape and incest survivor's and I think just the fact that I know I am not alone out there has made me feel better. I don't think I will ever completely heal from the sexual abuse I endured, but at least I am dealing with it. As funny as it sounds it took me years to be able to say that I am in fact an incest survivor.

Through out my child hood I was constantly put down and told that no man would ever love me or stay with me. I was brainwashed into believing that I couldn't survive without my “mother” in my life, but just in the past couple of months I have cut my “mother” completely out of my life and now I am confident that I don't need her.

     I am also in the middle of writing my autobiography, and that brings up memories that I had buried deep inside. My consilor said that writing is the best form of therapy and because I am sick and tired of feeling worthless I have decided to write.

     In the mornings I wake up do some light household chore's than either site at my desk in my office or I sit here at my computer typing my autobiography.

Since my counselor has left I continue daily with the breathing exercises she taught me and I am also doing work on my own, I ask the kids for their input on different things, and of course my husband is my greatest Allie always cheering me on. If it weren't for the family I have today, I don't know how or even if I would have survived these past couple of weeks......

     My family is the most important part of my life and I will stop at nothing to make sure they get the best mother, wife, and brother they deserve.

As I wait for a new counselor I continue my therapy on my own. I am working on “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” by Rhena Branch, and Rob Willson. I am also reading and doing all the exercises in “The Courage to Heal, A guide for woman survivors of Child Sexual abuse” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

     I highly recommend these books to anybody who is suffering at all with any type of abuse, but I would have to say that my best tools and support come from my family without them I don't know were I would be.

Changes

     As you all have noticed kimmys kozy korner has been taken up with my family issues. This blog was supposed to be about things I thought and seen in the real world that I felt was unfair or unjust. Lately though that hasn't been the case so I am changing the purpose of my blog. Instead of me writing about different things like the government, SPCA or the Children's Aid Society I have decided to use this blog to tell you all about me.

     Kimmys Journal, will give you insight into my personal battle with depression and dealing with the fact that I was raped as a child. I will also use this blog to address the many many lies that have been spread about me. I promise to keep this journal truthful and only give the facts, know matter how hard they may be. I continue this blog for myself and for my own recovery, as I deal with the harsh reality's that were my childhood.

     I thought I would begin by setting the record straight about the lies and rumors that have been said about me.

     Yes it is true that at the age of 5 a doctor made a mistake taking my tonsils out, and because of that mistake I am partly paralyzed on the left side. My “family” did take the doctor to court on my behalf, but it was my grandparents on my mother's side that paid the lawyer. I did receive money, but not the 1.2 million others have said. From all this I received $200,000 my mother received $30,000 my sister $10,000 my “father” $10,000 and my “fathers” mother also received $1,000. My grandparents on my “mothers” side refused to take any money from the caes and told the lawyer what ever money they were to receive should be given to me. At 18 years old I tried to pay my grandparents back and I was told the best way to pay them back would be to do something with my life. By the time I turned eighteen I received a cheque for about $385,000, out of that money $100,000 I put a down payment down for a house for my mother and 2 younger siblings to live in. I spent $20,000 on a new car for me and the rest of the money went into something called an annuity. I get just under $1,200 a month for the rest of my life.

As a child I was rapped by my “father” from the ages of 4-9 years old, I was also molested by a couple cousins. At the age of twelve again I was molested while my “mother” partied with a friend of hers, and again at the age of 15 another man tried the same thing.

     As for taking a lie detector test, why should I have to take one? And I don't believe in hypnosis. I honestly believe that when I child goes to an adult to tell them what is happening that child should be believed right away, and not called a liar and be black balled by her family. As a young child somebody should have believed me when I told them the truth.

     As far as therapy goes, yes I was in therapy from the age of 5 to the age of 17 when I moved down east and away from my family. In the past few months I have begun therapy again to deal with my trust issues and to figure out how to put my rape history behind me.

     I am raising my little brother. He has been in and out of group homes for at least 4 years before our “mother” put him on a plane with a note giving me guardianship. She said that her son was to much for her to deal with so I got him instead of him landing in the system forever. And yes it is true that I am trying to get money, its only because his mother stopped paying child support for him, because I was making him study for is exams. My husband broke his back many years ago and as of just recently he ruined his shoulder. The doctor took him off of work and he is receiving a disability pension.

     Although I have never had a job that paid money, I have spent many years volunteering. First at Erinoak, a place for disabled people than at a soup kitchen in down town Toronto. When my son started school I began volunteering at the school library, I was hoping to get a paid position but cut backs didn't allow for that to happen. I had to stop volunteering after I quickly learned and discovered that when I got home I was far to tired to look after the house and children. My kids are my priority so the job had to go.

     Money hungry? If I were a money hungry bitch I would have a job and say to hell with my kids or what they need. I would have wrote my autobiography a lot sooner than now. If I were a money hungry bitch I would have sued my mother for all the money she has cost me and I would be in meetings with lawyers to try and get the child support. Instead I continue to live my life and make the best with what I have.

     Growing up I did not have it easy, not even a little easy. I went to so many different schools I can't even count them all, my mother loved to party which resulted in me and my sister getting locked into strange rooms in stranger's house's so that she could party. The only reason why we had food on the table is because of my grandfather, he bought our grocery's. Throughout all the moving around and switching school's partying and packing and unpacking my “mother” managed to get married three times.

     And yes with all of this going on it was very difficult getting to know people and making friends. I was never spoiled as a child and NEVER got what I wanted, unless you call getting whipped by a belt from your step father spoiled.

     When my husband and I began a relationship, he was not dating my “mother”. Yes there is an age difference. I was 17 years old and he was 37 when we first got together. When my mother found out about us it wasn't until I told her that I didn't think I would buy her a house that she kicked me out. At the time I was going to a catholic high school and because my mother called the school and told them that I was living with a man, I was kicked out for “living in sin.” It was my senior year I was 4 exams and 4 credits away from graduating.

     Despite all of this I went back to high school and finally got my high school diploma. I also took courses through the mail and received my diploma in child psychology. After many attempts to break me and my husband up and after my mother beating me to the point that I passed out my husband and I moved from Ontario to Nova Scotia, and now that I have EVERYTHING I always wanted my wonderful “family” is trying to take it all away.

Courage

 

This is a poem I found when I was 13 years old. It has stayed with me since than.

                                                Believe in yourself,
                                                and in your dreams,
                               no matter how imposable things may seem.
                                               some how some way,
                                               You'll get to your goal.

                                                   Mountains fall,
                                                  and seas divide,
                                                  before the one
                                                 who is his stride,
                                            takes a hard road by and by.

                                               Believe in yourself,
                                                 and in your plan.
                                                Say not I cannot,
                                                      but I can.

                                                 The prizes of life,
                                                    we fail to win,
                                   because we fight the powers within.


   Over the past two weeks I have been over run with horrible e mails and phone calls. Extended family member's of mine have called the police, harassed my friends on face book, call any time they choose day or night. In all of this not only is it hateful, disturbing, and filled with lies, but I have also received death threats. Because all this has happened over the internet and from people out of the province the police say there is nothing they can do..
   I continue to keep writing my autobiography and keep up with this blog is because I want those people out there who are trying to destroy me to know that I will not stop, and they can't make me. Words are just words.
   I am continuing with this, not to "fuel to the fire" but so that I can prove to myself and children that there are always going to be people who try to take you down, but as long as you have your family beside you, you can handle everything.

Whats really important

   Lately I have been struggling to come to terms with the MANY demon's from my past, but in the process of dealing with the past it seems as though I forgot about the here and now.
   As I write my autobiography more and more horrible and disturbing memories have been flooding back so much so that I am even having a hard time getting myself out of bed lately, that is until this past week. When things seemed to be at there worst and I was assaulted on the internet I have come to realize that none of that matter's. My true friends are standing within the walls of my house, and so is my family.
   In the process of people trying to put me down, I quickly became aware that the only people I need are surrounding me. My husband, 2 kids and my brother is all I need to survive this cold and unforgiving world.
   In the past couple of weeks I have had to deal with a lot, and guess what the only people in my life who weren't afraid to stand beside me were the people in my own home. MY FAMILY ROCKS.
   They know when I'm feeling down and are always willing to lend a helping hand or even defend me whole heartily when no one else will.
   I am sad to say that it took these unfortunate events to happen to make me realize that I don't care what other people say or think about me. I know that I had a horrible childhood, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone even my worst enemy, but despite all of that I made it through. And not only did I make it, but I am succeeding. I feel horrible that it took this long for me to realize that I really do have everything I have always wanted.
      In my opinion don't get caught up in the every day mundane routine, shake it up a little and really learn whats important to you in your life, I now know that nothing is more important than the four people who live in this house, and I can't wait to spend the summer getting to know them all over again. Stop looking for whats not there and just focus on what you believe. Don't let nobody try to tear you down, never let them win.
   I STAND STRONG AND CONFIDENT KNOWING THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS, WITH MY FAMILY BY MY SIDE I CAN CONCURE ANYTHING..

"Go get lost in the woods"

     “Go get lost in the woods”

   Go get lost in the woods, is a piece of advice I received from an extremely unwanted source. As people who have been keeping up with my blog know that my last few blog's quickly became over run with horrible comment's. I said that I would put the blog aside for awhile, but I enjoy writing it too much to stop, and why should I stop?

Writing is what I love to do.

   On a recent post someone told me to “go get lost in the woods” and as much as I love writing, I didn't realize that I needed a break, a change of scenery is just what the Dr. ordered. Friday after school we told the kids we were hiking on the next day and right away they got to work. They made themselves a lunch and prepared their packs for our long hike.

   Normally our hiking trips take us to one of our favorite places Baliene, but due to heavy fog on the coast we had to change our plan's. Instead of the coast and the Ocean, we made our way closer inland. Down a dirt road through the middle of the woods we drove our van, we parked in a small space just off the beaten four wheeler track. We lifted our packs on our shoulder's and headed for a day long adventure. Immediately the dogs scoured the area and the kids were off. Tim and I hiked hand in hand, listening to the birds chirping, chipmunks chattering and the laughter of our two children and my teenage brother as they played games along the way.

   Everything was right with the world. We were living in the moment.

   Just down the dirt trail we were following we just happened to stumble upon a lake. Right away we found a smaller path that went to the left of the lake, into the path we went, the bush's were grown in so we pulled out our clipper's and very quickly found the perfect spot for a perfect day. In front of us we had a small lake and although there were a few bushes in the way, the dogs quickly trampled them down. The lake looks great for both fishing and swimming. We had our fire pit in the middle of the woods and to our backs had a huge deep slopping hill. The hill offered tree's for the kids to climb, and paths for the dogs to run through. This is the perfect spot.

   We had been racking our brains trying to think of a great place to take off camping for at least a week, and we weren't having any luck, that is until we “got lost in the woods.” this place has everything we need, a place to pitch our tents, a fire pit we made while we were there and as a bonus there are a lot of tree's that are died and just lying on the ground. This makes it good for building, nothing in camping beats being able build what you need. In this place we'll be able to build counter's, tables, and what ever else the kids can imagine. The small piece of beach is also just the right size to launch our very small boat.

   While out there I took time to think and reflect. It has finally occurred to me that the people who matter the most are the ones who live in this house. On our hike we never take any comforts from home, no video games, MP3 player's, I pods, or any other small device that connects us with the outside world. In doing so the children speak more and learn lots. It's a great way to connect with each other away from all the distractions. We do however bring along a cell phone, just in case and that is kept in a pack and shut off.

My favorite part of our hiking days, is just how quickly we're able to escape all the nasty things of this world and take stock about what really is important. Outside and in the woods, the kids get along and work together as a team as they try to make and build things for our camp site. Tim and I get time together and everyone is happy just to be together.

   In short despite the fact that I received the advice “go get lost in the woods” came from somebody I don't care to associate with or even talk to was right about one thing. I desperately needed a vacation and even though it was only for one day, we found the perfect place for camping, I was able to take my mind off of the computer and get back to whats really important.

   And now that I have had that time away I am now more prepared to get back to what I love, writing and I can do it with much more focus. Now more than ever I feel as if I am doing the right thing. My story will be told and no one will stop me, but I also learned how to tune out the unwanted crap that occasionally spills into my life.

With summer just around the corner I can't wait to start having summer fun. I now feel as though my autobiography is flowing a lot more easier and figured out that when it comes down to it everyone needs a break once in awhile, even if its just for a day.....

   On with the writing nothing is going to stop me now.

   And to that person who gave the unwanted advice I say: Thank you, now I am more focused than ever on my writing my story...

   Another piece of advice to the people who are trying to stop me, take your own advice and go get lost in the woods

LEAVE ME ALONE!

   All I am trying to do is raise my family and start my writing career. I am not bothering any body, in fact I have gone through great lengths to try and block all the people who are slandering my name all over the internet.
   Not only are they attacking me on google+, but know they are searching my friends lists and sending them nothing but lies about me.....
   If they are all really so innocent why do you keep bothering me, I did not get in contact with any of you! Time to back off.
   What you are doing now is called CYBER BULLYING and if you keep it up I will be seeing all of you in court..
   Again I would like to appologize to my friends who are being harrassed by people I have the miss fortune of being related to...